The Great White Disappointment

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My apologies
I appear to have let you down again
I mean after all, what the hell was I thinking?
Here I am
Year after year
Month after month
Week after week
Day after day
Here for you...doing backflips through hoops of fire
Landing oh so delicately despite my totally shattered ankle
Because I have to impress those Russian judges
You know how difficult they can be
When it comes to this sort of thing
But do I complain????
Aw hell no!
You see I just go to this part of my mind
The part where I never let in anyone
Which doesn't really seem to be a problem
Seeing how everyone just wants a piece of my heart
So anyway while there I dip into my bag of tricks
And what else do I find there?
What else indeed?
What else besides my ridiculous red clown makeup
Not the white face crap that washes away with tears
You know the tears that I never cry
Or at least the ones I hide from you
The ones you don't see when you turn your back and turn me away
Nope! Instead I find the cherry lip colored crap
You know the stuff you put on in the shape of a smile
This is to fool the people into believing you're always happy
This is what I find in my bag of tricks
Because there are a lot of people who need fooling
These are the people who collect weapons for fun
And they show them off for the manipulation factor
Because these are the people who run the freak show
And they "hire" last place finishing nice guys like myself
They want me to do weird things almost no one would ever do
And these are things I have already kinda told you about
I.E. jumping through hoops of fire backwards for them
And lots of other things I won't tell you about
Not because you wouldn't want to hear it
It's because you don't want to hear it
Because if you did I wouldn't shiver everytime you walked in the room
I wouldn't feel my guard go up when I see those emotional hits coming
All I wanted to tell you was that I needed you
You to just sit there and listen to what I had to say
To make me feel like something about me matters
To trick me into believing that emotions are natural
That it's okay to feel bad and how I am is normal
But...instead, you shut me away like a freak
Like the bastard child who sleeps in the basement
Because mommy and daddy are too ashamed of their


You just put me away
Like a toy that needs it's battery recharged but is neglected
And one day I hear that old familiar voice
That one I hear right when depression has rode in to do a cameo on your life
The one I hear right after the shit has hit the fan
I hear you whistle for me...
Oh believe me, I SO hear you whistle for me...
It's always at the point where I think I've had enough
The point where mere mortal men would strain under the pressure
I hear you whistle for me


Yes Mr. Pavlov?